So earlier today I watched the “new” Naruto Shippuden movie and I must say, I was quite impressed. I mulled over the different plot ideas and all the mumbo jumbo that smart people think about when meditating on a film as I headed to the local grocery store in search of food stuffs before I settled down to a nice evening in the World of Warcraft. Now, Hinano already wrote up a very extensive review of this new movie, and I was getting a bit frustrated trying to figure out how to offer my own approach to it. As I rolled into the G-Store parking lot I kept thinking about how our outlook on Naruto was so similar and what I could do to contribute to rather than copy her review.

The rain glistened on the pavement, sliding from the sky like tears, reminding me of how much I was in despair. As the sliding doors opened the lights from inside blinded me with their brilliance…it was as if I had stepped into heaven and low and behold, an angel awaited me at the gates. As my vision returned I asked him “What the fsck just happened man!?”, to which he replied “Believe It!”…damn right, I had wandered into G-Store heaven and Naruto was the greeter.

Long story short, all thoughts of beverages and snacks were shoved aside as I snatched up the opportunity to talk to the star about his movie. By the way, we decided to do this like professionals so it may sound like we’re sitting down over coffee talking, but remember: we’re chatting in a grocery store lobby…

Images are currently not working for secret ninja reasons.

RX: So Naruto, I just finishe…
NO: Dattebayo!
RX: Um….
NO: What?
RX: You just randomly screamed in the middle of my sentence…tourettes much?
NO: Turrets? No way! I’ll become the Hokage with my own strength!
RX: …
NO: …
RX: Okayyyy…anyway Naruto, I just finished watching your newest movie, the one set during the Shippuden series. I just so happen to have a few screenshots in my pocket from the movie.
NO: What’s a screenshot?
RX: It’s when you focus your chakra into your eyes and…lol, do you see what I just did there?
NO: So, you focus it into your eyes and then what?
RX: …you didn’t get my joke?
NO: uhhhhhhhhh…haha?
RX: *cough* Moving on, I’ve got these pictures/photographs/paintings from the movie. I wanted to show them to you and then ask you some questions about them. Is that alright?
NO: I don’t have to read do I? Because I can’t read. My stomach gets all funny and I sweat a lot when I try to read.
RX: No Naruto, no really! Wait come back, there’s nothing to be afraid of, you don’t have to read I SWEAR!
NO: You’re sure?
RX: Yes.
NO: Ok then.
RX: Alright, here we go…

RX: Now, this is a shot from the very beginning of the movie, where apparently you die.
NO: I won’t die!
RX: But Naruto, I had my hopes up…I really thought you were gone.
NO: You should know that the heroes don’t die. No one dies in my show except for that old granny ninja who was about to die anyway.
RX: So you’re saying there’s no chance of me ever getting to see you…you know, kick the bucket?
NO: No, no way…I’m gonna be the next Hokage and live forever! Believe it!
RX: (Damnit!) Well, that’s good to know.

RX: You know, I was going to compile a top ten list of reasons why your show is emo for my next typeZERO post, but then I watched the movie and this crazy ass made it pointless.
NO: What’s that he’s doing there?
RX: Oh you know, just cutting open his own chest in order to let some evil demon hop inside his body.
NO: Oh.
RX: …
NO: WHAT!!??
RX: Yep. What I don’t understand is why the demon couldn’t just enter his body through his mouth or some other obscure hole made popular by aliens.
NO: So that’s how he got in there…
RX: Do you like razor blades Naruto?
NO: Not really, I can’t grow any hair to shave so I never really mess with them. Why?
RX: No reason.
NO: What’s next?

RX: Everyone there knows that you’re really just constipated.
NO: That’s not true! I really am afraid of scary stories!
RX: …sooooo, you have the mental fortitude of a six-year old girl?
NO: I have the what? I’m 14…or 12…maybe 16…shit…
RX: But you’re still basically a girl?
NO: Yes. Wait, no. What?

RX: I can take a lot of crap man, but you bastards just ripped off Captian Planet! No one rips off CP and gets away with it! Why’d you stoop so low Naruto?
NO: Oh! Captain Planet! I love him, he’s so awesome!
RX: But you totally ripped off his show right there!
NO: I have his picture in my bathroom.
RX: …

RX: Damn right Naruto! You tell the womens to get back in the kitchen…by force if necessary. Finally setting a good example of how to be a man!
NO: Yeah, I’m a real boy!
RX: *sigh* Here I am, trying to cover for you, trying to make you look like a real ninja and a man…the potential Hokage…and you go and ruin it with some gay shit like that.
NO: Sometimes I can’t help myself.
RX: That would be the tourettes.
NO: Turrets! I’ll become the Hoka…
RX: Shut up.

RX: Shocked expression, sweat covered body…Naruto! You didn’t use shadow clones on the priestess did you? *wink wink*
NO: She’s having a nightmare.
RX: *facepalm* …you ruined it again.
NO: Ohhhh…I’m a real boy!
RX: Oh god.

RX: Let’s take a moment to look at Rock Lee.
NO: Ok.
RX: He’s got fuzzy eyebrows, a stupid haircut, some weird guy-love thing with his teacher, and can’t use any ninjitsu. And yet he’ll always be cooler than you. He even gets the thumbs up from Sakura.
NO: *stare*
RX: Don’t hurt me?

RX: A “stone ghost” army? That doesn’t even make sense. Did your budget manager say “we can’t afford REAL ghosts, so let’s just use cheesy repetitive stone ones instead”?
NO: No, reals ghost would’ve been too scary. For the kids of course, I’m definitely not afraid of any ghosts…
RX: (Liar.)

RX: Oh WTF?
NO: What just happened?
RX: Man, I thought we we’re going to make it through the whole interview without a flashback.
NO: Why did the ghosts show up again!!?
RX: It’ll be alright…we might see this image 3-4 more times, but just remember…they’re 3D stone ghosts, not real ones.
NO: O-o-o-okay…

RX: Oh come on! First you rip off Captain Planet, now you’re going to steal from DBZ?
NO: What’s DBZ?
RX: Everything has to be explained to you and then repeated like 4 times doesn’t it?
NO: That’s my way of the ninja.
RX: Grrrrrr…DBZ stands for Dragon Ball Z, an anime that you totally just stole a move from.
NO: I did not, that’s our Super-Chakra-Rasengan thing…Hinano called it our “Rasengan of Love”. Lol, like I’d ever like girls…I mean, Shion.
RX: That’s totally a spirit bomb. Goku’s signature move where he takes all the life force and love and unicorns and butterflies from everyone and turns it into a giant ball of explosive energy. Yeah, you stole that.
NO: You mean that’s been done before?
RX: Ummmm..yeah.
NO: Damnit. Kakashi told me that was my new move too.
RX: Baka.

RX: So, the priestess here just asked you to be the father of her child and you wen…
NO: WHAT!!!?
RX: You’ve really got to sto…
NO: Dattebayo!
RX: STFU!
NO: What’s this about me and fathers and children?
RX: I’m saying she actually wanted you to use the shadow clones…
NO: ?
RX: Shion likes you ok!? Are you stupid or what? What’d you do when she asked you about this?
NO: I…um…gave her a thumbs up?
RX: …
NO: Said I’d do what I could to help?
RX: And?
NO: Well, we said our goodbyes, maybe I’ll see her sometime soon. It’ll be fun to talk about what happened before…maybe we could spar so I can get stronger!
RX: Hopeless. Listen Naruto, I’d love to stay and chat more, but there’s a box of Chicken Helper Chicken Fried Rice and a 2 liter of Mountain Dew calling to me. I appreciate your time and the chance to interview you about your movie.
NO: Anytime! Come talk to me when I’m the Hokage.
RX: Sure thing. By the way, try to actually kill someone and be a man for once.
NO: Dattebayo!
RX: Whatever…see ya! *Idiot*

And that’s pretty much how it went down.

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